Since the dawn of time, the space rock Pluto had been at the top of the extraterrestrial hierarchy. It was designated as a planet–simple yet elegant. The ancient Sumerians worshipped Pluto as their healing deity, Kakka. The ancient Romans attributed to this planet the afterlife—the realm of the underworld. The seventeenth-century English coined the political term plutocracy with special regard to the planet. The key innovator Walt Disney imagined the yellow dog Pluto in 1930 to honor the planet, and it’s no surprise that he is still an icon today. Civilizations have recognized how special Pluto is across history; that’s why it has so many special designations. However, in 2006, the International Astronomical Union broke tradition. This horrid organization defiled Pluto’s status by demoting it to a dwarf planet, but they not only defiled Pluto, they disrespected every culture, ancient and modern, that valued Pluto.
Obviously, Pluto is small, smaller than the other planets, but it has five moons and serves as the boundary to our solar system, like a hug that protects everything inside. Pluto is a symbol of aspiration in space travel and respect on Earth; it far surpasses the IAU’s designation as a dwarf planet. When those intellectuals chose to make criteria for being a planet, they also invented the status of dwarf planet. ”Dwarf planet” is not some ancient universe truth. It’s a demeaning distinction. The intellectuals “discovered” that Pluto fits into this distinction; poppycock, they engineered Pluto to be a dwarf planet.
To fully emphasize the importance of Pluto being a planet, let’s compare Taft’s dorms to elements of our solar system.
Mercury: A small, gray planet, near the sun, but far from Earth’s activity. CPT 4 is a small dorm, high up, and it’s a quiet, civilized floor. CPT 4 most clearly mimics Mercury.
Venus: A bright speck in the distance and a planet with mysterious origins. Voge has no kitchens; who knows why? It’s safe from main building fire drills. Venus and Voge, even in spelling, are clearly very similar.
Earth: Green and blue, a beautifully habitable, vivacious planet. CPT 3 is a well-civilized and nice, clean place to live. Like Earth, CPT 3 is big and full of people.
Mars: The red planet and the favored place for life beyond Earth. Centen, clean of ivy, is a red spot on campus, and it’s very habitable, except for the mice. As Mars is the Roman god of war, it’s no surprise that Centen is the closest dorm to our sporting fields.
Jupiter: Stereotypically, the place where boys get stupider and the largest planet. HDT 3 is an extensive floor home to many exciting yet questionable ventures. In accordance with the saying, HDT 3 is much like Jupiter.
Saturn: Surrounded by rings and named for the Roman god of wealth. Congdon is surrounded on four sides by sidewalks, and it’s one of the nicest dorms on campus. Saturn resembles Congdon.
Uranus: A smaller place than Jupiter, but the butt of as many jokes. HDT 2 has fewer rooms than HDT 3, but it doesn’t lack any of the excitement. HDT 2 is no doubt the Uranus of campus.
Neptune: A far-off, deep blue planet possibly hiding an ocean beneath the surface. HDT 4 is a far-up planet, yet it offers one of the prettiest views. HDT 4 is the best planet to be Neptune.
Space Station: Happy to be there at first, but soon the inhabitants feel stranded in space. CPT 2 seems like an awesome place; there are only one or two staircases below it, but due to the unhomely conditions, the inhabitants wish they were upstairs. CPT 2 is equivalent to the space station.
Asteroid: Kind of just there, always on a journey, and frequently crashing into planets. The ISP residents spend much of their time in other dorms, and they appear to be on a journey to leave as soon as they move in. ISP is like an asteroid.
Satellite: They revolve around important places, have the best WiFi, and shady operations. Mac House watches over the activity in its quad, and it’s our only dorm with a basement. Mac House is the satellite of Taft.
Pluto: A neat, little, and far-off planet. The Rock is the only dorm deserving of the title Pluto. It’s the only dorm on campus that genuinely looks like a home.