Left Bingham Buddy (new kid, lacrosse recruit, religious AirPods-during-bingham-wearer): “Yo, who’d you draft last night?”
Right Bingham Buddy (JV Football benchwarmer, right-side of the Jig rotter, name: unknown): “Dude, I’m cooked. I got the Bengals’ defense, but at least I picked up Prescott as QB. I heard the Cowboys are gonna have a killer season.”
Wait…the Cowboys? As in the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders? I love that show. I think to myself as my neighbors lean over the armrest and invade my personal space, invested in some mysterious yet seemingly serious game. While waiting for Rev G to ring his precious gong to begin School Meeting, I gave in to my curiosity and asked, “What are you guys even talking about?”
“Fantasy football,” they respond in unison, “you probably wouldn’t get it.” And they were right — I really did not get it. Driven by my eavesdropping problem and chronic FOMO, I decided to investigate the matter. Turns out, I wasn’t alone; countless overheard conversations of Bingham Buddies, brothers, and boyfriends had left others just as perplexed. So we, Ashton and Mary Kidd (although we are Mid girls who have never even set foot on Taft’s football field), used sit-down as an opportunity to begin our research. When the sit-down conversation inevitably got drab, we turned to the unlucky victims slouched beside us: Parker Woods ’27, Ethan Harry ’28, and Mac Gaumer ’29. With their expertise and some patience, we became masters of this topic that consumes the lives of many teenage boys at Taft, with all its complexities. We present: Fantasy Football…For Dummies!
The first things you should know are some of the basics– how does this even work? Fantasy football is essentially a game where you pretend to be an NFL coach and hope that luck is on your side from the luxury of your own couch. In simpler terms, you get to pretend that you know a lot more about football than you really do while exerting absolutely no physical strain. You draft real NFL players for your team at the start of the season, and each week, you gain or lose points based on the performances of your chosen players in a battle against another team in your league. It’s essential to select multiple players for some positions before solidifying a starting lineup at the beginning of the week. So just know, when the football-obsessed boy in your Chemistry class snaps at you for accidentally breaking the scale during your lab, cut him some slack– his starting quarterback threw three interceptions before tearing his ACL in last night’s matchup. Oof.
But the most entertaining part of it all lies not in the game itself, but instead in the aftermath: The Punishments. While you may think that the goal of Fantasy Football is to win it all, you pretty much win if you’re not the biggest loser – you will face an unfortunate, humiliating fate. Whether this be the infamous Milk Mile or 10 cringey TikToks on a public account, the rest of your league will ensure that you won’t ever live down your loss. DIGITAL FOOTPRINT WILL GET YOU! But don’t let fear stop you from playing; there’s only one loser. And with our guidance, it will surely be your Bingham buddy, brother, or boyfriend — not you!!!
