Ahoy! It has come to my attention that certain gentlemen among us believe we should separate from Great Britain and create a new nation. I alone will utter what no one dares: I rather enjoy belonging to a cushy empire.
I am writing today, not in anger, but in disappointment and bewilderment. Have we lost our senses? My neighbors are out in the streets dramatically dumping perfectly good tea into the Boston Harbor (what a waste!). Why would we want independence from the most powerful empire ever? We are British. The sun quite literally never sets on us. We have eternal daylight, eternal stability, and eternal access to quality imported goods. What more do you want?
But no. Now, suddenly, everyone is looking up to that scrappy fellow Alexander Hamilton or that man Thomas Jefferson, who hides behind his fancy writing. Who is Jefferson to write and demand liberty while seated comfortably on a Virginia plantation, anyway? The hypocrisy!
Let us be realistic. If we rebel, what happens next?
First of all, we will have to run ourselves. Who will be in charge? It is yet another Virginian in contention, this time with a suspiciously calm demeanor. Yes, yes, George Washington looks impressive on a horse. But will a majestic posture help when we are arguing about tariffs? I think not. I’d much rather have King George III, who is literally the father of the colonies. He might be a little mad, but he is a true patron of the arts and agriculture. He and Queen Charlotte do make for an excellent story too…
Second, have we considered the fashion consequences? If we break from Britain, we may be forced to develop our own trends. I shudder to imagine the chaos. I like the coats, wigs, and jewelry. The British sure do have their luxury down to a tee.
Third—and this is most concerning— what message does independence send? Do not ignore the precedent. If we prove that citizens may overthrow the rule of a king, what next? Citizens demanding representation? Expanding suffrage? Public criticism of leaders? Simply preposterous.
Finally, what of our future? Without Britain’s “tyranny,” what will we even complain about? There will be no redcoats quartered in our homes. No royal decrees to dramatically read by candlelight. We will be forced to invent new grievances. Under the Crown, if something goes wrong, we simply blame London. If we become independent, who shall we blame? Ourselves? No, thank you. And please, let us not pretend this rebellion is guaranteed success. We are a collection of colonies with uneven militias, questionable funding, and some pamphlets.
So, comrades, let’s relax. Set down the quills, back away from the harbor, and rest our nerves. Empires promise stability, trade, and perfectly tailored suits. Revolution promises confusion, paperwork, and the horror that one day, someone will turn all this into a stage show.
God save the King!
